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April 4th, 2000 at 4 AM

The Month of March  


i haven't posted a journal entry since march 1st, and there's a damn good reason for that. the month of march was one of the most exciting, inconsistent, spontaneous, busy, colorful, enjoyable, and tiring periods of time that I have ever experienced. i left my job, i left the place that had become home, i traveled by plane and train and boat and van and jeep and car and subway. i floated through airports in my headphones. I swam and snorkeled and hiked and drank in the Caribbean. I ate fancy, expensive meals, with extra desserts. i ate at hooters. i left my best friend behind. i spent a week with kariann, driving from phoenix to jersey, shooting at eighty miles an hour across expanses of desert, rolling hills, grasslands, and through cities and forests. filling up for gas, crashing at motels. i loved the motion of the trip, and i loved doing it with such a completely rad girl. i visited friends in new york and new brunswick. i watched nsync fans faint in times square. i cried. i returned to the place that has always been home. i raked leaves as sun pokes through the trees. i drank champagne and budweiser on a sailboat. i got a speeding ticket in the ozarks.

i wanted to write it all down while it was happening, for continuity, for the record, to pin it down and to share it, but i didn't. so much happened, events only hinted at above, and i was too consumed by the doing and the acting and the feeling to have time to write about it all. i have pictures, and the pictures capture a great deal of it the color and the life and the smile. usually i rely on words, storytelling, linear text, to fit it all together and make it connect, to trap it in sequence. and now that i've been home for a week, the moments have passed, and the words haven't been shooting out of my face and fingers like they usually do, and my memories of march have been biased by new experience. sometimes i forget how i got from where i was to where i am. i don't want to lose the past. i wont regret the past, or dwell on it all, but i want to retain it. i want to feel everything i've done before--connected, bound, running in simultaneous parallel to this present moment.

tonight at 3:30 am i took a walk by myself, around the block, in my navy blue hoodie, with my shoes untied, in the 5O degree early morning fog. and i was thinking about motion and separation, thinking about this past month, about Kariann, about traveling and about storytelling. and i decided that i'm not going to bother attempting to write out March. i can't document everything. and i don't want to share everything, either. stories are important because they provide structure to our lives, and they connect us to one another. i have lots of good stories, and they will come out when they need to.

i don't have time to write it all down, because i have to keep moving. i'm just not sure where i'm going.