i had the day off today, and i didn't do a hell of a lot much. i have never been so thrilled to do laundry and go grocery shopping and watch a bad sitcom on video! it sounds ridiculous but, seriously, i could not stop beaming as i went from task to errand to chore. i haven't had time to do any of that, lately -- or maybe i haven't been making the time.

the past two months have been hijacked, instead, by a lopsided combination of work, family and boy, none of which i'd really like to get into right now, for fear of jeopardizing relationships or jinxing possibilities. (if you know what i mean.)

it's been yes yes yes, go go go, and then crawling into bed at ungodly hours only to wake up a few more later and do it all over again.

usually, i am the one who tells those i love to make time for themselves, to say 'no' once in a while, to spoil themselves silly because they deserve it. but sometimes i am so busy caring about everyone else that i forget to take care of me, too.

i bought two tins of pringles and a pint of ben & jerry's ice cream this afternoon and felt like a school girl on christmas morning.

i made a cup of tea and read a few pages of a book that had been gathering dust.

i dug my hands deep into the warm pile of clothes and inhaled the snuggly freshness.

i am just really enjoying today. the little moments. the space inbetween the days i've been having. i feel like i can finally breathe again.

and thus wrote christine on 10/26/2001. +

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i always wish i had more time to set aside for coffee. too often, i'm drinking coffee alone. this week, i've been working less, going out more, sleeping well, and spending time with alison while she was in town. we enjoyed a beautiful autumn weekend together: sleeping late, eating french toast, walking around a cool and sunny new hampshire state park. days fly by. all at once, i still think it's august, yet august feels like a hella long time ago. there's been a lot of great conversation since then.

you know what? sometimes, even i get sick of the people i care about. not very sick, mind you... but sometimes there's nothing i'd rather do than be by myself, listening, watching, sitting or walking. i know everyone feels this way, at times.

we're dropping food and bombs on afganistan, and i don't have my head around it all. i can't even find time to stay informed anymore. i don't know how to talk about it.

i think that the moments of life that i enjoy most, that i thrive on, are moments of discovery. not simply moments when i learn something... i'm talking about moments of realization. sometimes they come through connections to people, conversations, but more often they overtake me when i'm alone.

no: i'm talking about those wonderful lengths of time when i am overwhelmed with my own innocence and lack of understanding. moments when i am rendered almost child-like, looking around at all the strange beauty, everywhere. these points and periods come when my mind is clear, headphoning certain kinds of music, or in complete silence, or standing before a vast lanscape, or in that strange half-asleep, half-awake dream state when all bets are off.

i want to stay forever suspended in those detached, infinite instants of discovery. i'll forget my body, and my routines, and big questions, and i'll just wonder, forever. i don't even know if i need anyone to share it with.

and thus wrote ryan on 10/10/2001. +

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i am trying, ryan. i'm trying to smile and laugh and take joy in every piece of every thing i can. i'm usually good at remembering to do that anyway, but lately i have been getting caught up in my own anxieties and stresses that i've been better at complaining and fretting. it's a vicious cycle: i get annoyed and then i get pissed off and then i realize how petty i sound and then i get even more angry at myself for even feeling a smidgen of negativity when i am so lucky to even be alive.

conversation helps. just last night, i went over to my dear friend eric's place after a grueling monday at work. i sunk deep into the sofa while he poured me a cup of coffee and played a mix of happy tunes and listened to me vent. and then we looked at old photos and laughed at my big hair (aquanet) and his chubby chin (baby fat). i left as the full moon was setting. it was wonderful good.

i like to think of this site, sometimes, as a cup of coffee between us. it is telling stories and sharing feelings and having a good smile, or laugh, or think. even if it seems like absolutely nothing at all, it's still more than most people have. i think there would be less sadness and more comfort if more people made time for this kind of thing.

and thus wrote christine on 10/2/2001. +

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