during my senior year of college, i had all kinds of creative projects going on in addition to a heavy load of english courses. i spent my free time working on my first website, taking pictures, building 3D video game levels, writing songs and poems. i remember studying in the library one night during finals, swamped with work because i had put off papers and essays for so long. and with all of that work piled in front of me, all i could think about were song lyrics, game level layouts, and site designs. it's always when i'm overwhelemed with tasks that i become the most creative, if not productive. when i'm overwhelmed with free time, i have trouble disciplining myself.

so i wonder if a leave of absence would do me good. it would certainly give me a chance to record that seminal hip-hop album i've been planning. but i would probably end up taking it easy, and not attacking the pile of projects i have waiting uncooked on the back burner. i'm always busy, but my work life blends into my personal life, and the structure of it all keeps me going. most of the time.

twenty-four hours after we left, i began missing austin and all of the friends we made there. classic summer camp syndrome. it was incredible to be surrounded by people who understand this part of my life, the "so you just stay up all night staring at your monitor?" part, the webby part that's devoted to community and creative expression. it was all so fun, intelligent, comfortable, and inspiring. it hurts a little to know that we're all spread out across the globe, and only rarely will groups of us get to spend time together.

but at least we're all wired and connected through the web. good enough for brainstorming and sharing big plans and important ideas.

and thus wrote ryan on 3/26/2001. +

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a week since i've been back from austin, and i already miss everyone. i miss the friendly faces and intimate conversation and hearty food and beverage. i miss being surrounded by talented and brilliant and hardworking and inspiring and understanding people, and feeling like together we could actually make a dent in the world.

it doesn't help that i've come back to a quiet, cold, fluorescent-lit cubicle maze where people would rather hand-deliver a jpeg on disk than e-mail me the attachment and the silent consensus is that the internet is killing print and being the web producer i am an accessory to that murder. with that said, i know i am lucky to have a job at all, especially one that is not going to be eliminated anytime soon.

sometimes, i dream about taking off. i think about quitting my job and getting a waitressing gig, writing poetry on napkins by day and novels in microsoft word by night, living on top ramen and the 99 cents menu at taco bell.

or i wonder what i could accomplish if i just took off one month. a leave of absence. a sabbatical. i like to think that i would finish all those projects i began a year ago, that my to-do list would be crossed out entirely, that the slate would be wiped clean and i'd be ready to tackle even more.

but then again, maybe not. i suppose there's always going to be more that i could do with my writing, with my art, with my life, and maybe that's not a bad thing. it gives me something to shoot for. it makes my days worthwhile.

and thus wrote christine on 3/22/2001. +

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i'm not sure what becomes of the "half-full, half-empty" metaphor when you drink all the liquid in the glass. usually i keep an extra jug of orange juice in the fridge, just in case i get really thirsty. also, i have a large ceramic mug with a single flower glazed onto one side that i like to drink out of instead of a glass. my godfather made a set of the mugs in 1972, five years before i was born, as a wedding present for my parents. he works as an artist in ohio. the mug is opaque, so it's hard to tell how full it is without taking a sip.

for me, uncertainty leads to the worst kind of emotions: worry about lack of control, concern that i'm going to screw something up, fear that i'm wasting my life. from your post, it seems like there might be other specific problems, people and possibilities that are dragging your chin down. it's hard for me to hear the little voice muttering inside your head from this side of the country. luckily, we'll be meeting each other halfway before the week is through.

for the past few weeks, my east-coast life has been very busy with responsibility and routine, but not quite productive enough. i don't think it takes much to keep me content. but to remain Happy and In Control during a period of time, i need to complete tasks, socialize, excercise, converse intimately, maintain economic balance, create, solve problems, learn, relax, entertain, and laugh. sometimes that's a whole lot to cram into a day, a week, or a month. particularly if that month is february, and frequently devoid of sunlight.

according to the proverbs and weatherpersons we encounter in new england, march comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. the giant nor'easter blizzard we've been waiting for has finally begun dropping snow on us. everything is white. i wish i could look out the window at a snowstorm the way i did 12 years ago: amazed that the earth had been bleached, hoping the storm would last all night and cause school cancellation, suiting up for sledding and snowball fights. there will always be something about snow. but it's sad to think that there will always be concerns and responsibilites to prevent me from experiencing complete awe.

and thus wrote ryan on 3/5/2001. +

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