Sixfoot6.com - Putting Stuff Away.

Dear Colgate-Palmolive,

My girl tells me that I have a very keen sense of smell. I enjoy smells, and the smelling process. A smell can spark a sweeping rush of nostalgia, a crisp memory--cookouts in the late summer, blossoms in sprind, hot woodstove smoke eddying through the cold night air. Smell, and the memory of smell, has long been important to me.

Gentlemen, you guys are stinky something awful. I need a new a stick of deodorant every two or three months, and it seems like just when I get comfortable with one of your talented chemists' new odors, y'all motherfuckers up and change the whole line of Speed Stick on me. You're opressing me. You're depriving me of the quickest route to memories of my past.

I was down with your "Musk" scent, but that never seems to be available anymore. You're phasing out the "Fresh". Last month I was forced to submit and apply whatever it is a "Glacier" smells like to my underarm area. Last night, faced with a waining set of options, I opted for the "Alpine Fresh". At first, it sort of reminded me of Christmas at home in New England, cool air and pine trees. But you know what? It smells like Muld Cider. Correction--I smell like Muld Cider, cooked in a big cast iron pot. I'm going to smell like fucking fermented apples and cloves for the next two months. Do the Alps smell like cider? That shit aint right. This will be my own personal olefactory purgatory for the next three months, or at least until I can get another three dollars together.

Look, I'm not the most active guy on the planet. I just want something that will keep me from embarrassing myself at a hip-hop show. I don't want to smell like "Ocean Surf", "Northern Ice", or a godamned "Avalance". You know what else? "Lightning" doesn't have a smell. I'm no scientist, but I know this to be so. If anything, lightning smells like smoke, acid rain, and burnt wood. Also, where do you get off suggesting that "Cyclone" would be an appropriate smell for one's armpit? If anything, a cyclone smells like salty seaweed and dead fish, or else dusty crops and beeftorn homelessness. I know you're trying to be XTREME and everything, but it's getting ridiculous. People will collect these things on Ebay someday, they're so silly.

Gentlemen, I came to you out of frustration with other brands of deodorant, thinking, "This is Speed Stick, by Mennen. These mofos have been in the game since day one. They respect me and my body." But now I see the truth: you are a money-grubbing capitalist marketing machine, raising prices under the guise of new scent introduction.

You pull this shit one more time, and so help me God, I'm crossing over to Old Spice. I mayend up smelling like granpa, gentelmen, but at least over there those guys have respect for their own past.

Sincerely,
Ryan Gantz