Bittersweet Smelling

posted 4 Nov 2002, 10PM | 8 Comments

Dear Colgate-Palmolive,

My girl tells me that I have a very keen sense of smell. I enjoy smells, and the smelling process. A smell can spark a sweeping rush of nostalgia, a crisp memory--cookouts in the late summer, blossoms in sprind, hot woodstove smoke eddying through the cold night air. Smell, and the memory of smell, has long been important to me.

Gentlemen, you guys are stinky something awful. I need a new a stick of deodorant every two or three months, and it seems like just when I get comfortable with one of your talented chemists' new odors, y'all motherfuckers up and change the whole line of Speed Stick on me. You're opressing me. You're depriving me of the quickest route to memories of my past.

I was down with your "Musk" scent, but that never seems to be available anymore. You're phasing out the "Fresh". Last month I was forced to submit and apply whatever it is a "Glacier" smells like to my underarm area. Last night, faced with a waining set of options, I opted for the "Alpine Fresh". At first, it sort of reminded me of Christmas at home in New England, cool air and pine trees. But you know what? It smells like Muld Cider. Correction--I smell like Muld Cider, cooked in a big cast iron pot. I'm going to smell like fucking fermented apples and cloves for the next two months. Do the Alps smell like cider? That shit aint right. This will be my own personal olefactory purgatory for the next three months, or at least until I can get another three dollars together.

Look, I'm not the most active guy on the planet. I just want something that will keep me from embarrassing myself at a hip-hop show. I don't want to smell like "Ocean Surf", "Northern Ice", or a godamned "Avalance". You know what else? "Lightning" doesn't have a smell. I'm no scientist, but I know this to be so. If anything, lightning smells like smoke, acid rain, and burnt wood. Also, where do you get off suggesting that "Cyclone" would be an appropriate smell for one's armpit? If anything, a cyclone smells like salty seaweed and dead fish, or else dusty crops and beeftorn homelessness. I know you're trying to be XTREME and everything, but it's getting ridiculous. People will collect these things on Ebay someday, they're so silly.

Gentlemen, I came to you out of frustration with other brands of deodorant, thinking, "This is Speed Stick, by Mennen. These mofos have been in the game since day one. They respect me and my body." But now I see the truth: you are a money-grubbing capitalist marketing machine, raising prices under the guise of new scent introduction.

You pull this shit one more time, and so help me God, I'm crossing over to Old Spice. I mayend up smelling like granpa, gentelmen, but at least over there those guys have respect for their own past.

Ryan Gantz

There are 8 Comments


4 Nov 02 at 02:56PM cc said:

At least Old Spice is good for conjuring up memories. Just like mulled cider.


5 Nov 02 at 12:34AM Chris said:

That's why I go with Right Guard. Just pick a color and stick with it(I am incapable of remembering the flavor names).

While I prefer the purple flavor, I lapsed one time and ended up walking out of the store with orange. I think it was orange. Anyway, I soon realized that wearing the wrong deodorant is a lot more unsettling than one would think.


5 Nov 02 at 09:49AM dave said:

1. Dude, make the switch to Old Spice. Their High-Endurance line is really quite good-smelling, and lasts all day. In general, I'm usually down with any company that pitches something like, "Hey, try our stuff. If you don't like it, we'll buy you the crap you already like." I mean, how can you go wrong?

2. The clear-gel type deodorants don't last long enough AT ALL.

3. My old college roommate, Tommy Coleman, pronounces it thusly: "DODE-er-int"

4. Now how about a rant on the (apparently) rapidly-advancing Toothbrush Technology?


6 Nov 02 at 03:11PM Jenn said:

I'm with Dave on this one. Old Spice Endurance smells hot on guys. Whenever I see Speed Stick in the grocery store, all I can think about are 1980s Speed Stick commercials that are trapped on Betamax tapes sitting in my living room.


6 Nov 02 at 03:16PM Jenn said:

Or why not Gillette? Support a good 'ole Boston corporation.


22 Nov 02 at 11:55AM katia said:

you ever consider going with UNscented?


8 Feb 03 at 11:59PM rusty said:

I third the Old Spice recommendation. Old Spice High Endurance Original Scent. Sure, from time to time they'll trot out some new XTREME variety, but you can count on Original Scent. It's always the same, because when Old Spice says Original Scent, they mean Original Motherfucking Scent. As in, before this, there was no such thing as "scent" for men, unless you wanted "all-natural scent" which was old sweat and whale oil. This is the first scent. The Original.

Plus, chicks dig it. Guys think it'll make them smell like Grandpa, but you know why Grandpa wore it? Cause back in the War it got him laid a lot. Those guys that didn't wear Old Spice back then, you think they've got any grandkids? Uh uh. Old Spice is an evolutionary advantage, a fact which can be readily proven by the fact that every person currently alive remembers that their grandpa smelled like Old Spice. Coincidence? You tell me, you FA graduate.

Listen to the wisdom of Grandpa. Buy the damn Old Spice.


27 Feb 03 at 05:43AM ryan said:

i trust you, rusty. you're old and married and live out on an island. you're practivally a certified DOCTOR OF LOVE.

i dig the darwin. hard to argue with that.

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