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P: Your name, please . Excuse me . Excuse me!
A: Huh? Are youare you asking me?
P: Yes, my brother. You are next in line. May I have your name, please.
A: Brother? Hey, I like that. Thats pretty good. Yeah, names Alexander Prachettthough a lotta folks call me Chip. Or A.P., sometimes, at least they did when I was in the army. But I mean, you probly dont have that in the books
P: Excuse me?
A: Uh, yes. Right. What?
P: I am asking for your Christian Name.
A: Right. I mean, I understand. Sorry. Alex Prachetter, Alexander Prachett. Middle names Lewis. Sorry. Im sorry, sir. Brother.
P: Prachett P Prachett. Alexander. Hmmm . Your name does not seem to be on my list. Are you sure Alexander Prachett was given to you as your Christian name? Let me seeperhaps I shall check under Lewis .
A: Youyoure kidding me, right? Youve got to let me in here.
P: You are not listed under Lewis, either. Certainly, we have a dilemma on our hands. You appear to have fallen into the wrong line.
A: Awright, sombody had to of messed up. I gotta be in there. I meanwait, is this some kind of a joke? Youre joking.
P: We do not joke around here, Alexander. I consistently do my best, however, to maintain a light heart.
A: Well, dammit, what am I sposed to do? Thats it, then? I just aint in the books? Who do I have to talk to
P: We have not used books around here for a long time, Alexander. And would you please watch your tongue, for we cannot allow
A: Yeah, I know. Im sorry, brotherI apologize . Wait, you dont have books? I thought you were sposed to have names in books. I aint big enough to see what youre doin up on that cloud. Howhowre you lookin for my name without books?
P: The main gates are now equipped with individual terminals linked to a central database. Usually, this system keeps everything moving quickly. And as you might imagine, Alexander, we once consumed a great deal of paper and ink. There was a group of dead environmentalists that gave us hell for
A: Oh, I see. A database, like Radio Shack? Okay, I get it. Thats good. I like that. Huh.
P: This database does not list your name, Alexander. I am afraid you will have to fall down farther, into the lower line.
A: No, see, thats what Im tellin you. Somebody messed up and put me in the wrong database. I bet thats what happened. Cant you check the other database, or something? You gotta be able to do something.
P: We do not make mistakes, Alexander. According to His commandment, those souls who are not listed in this database must
A: Right, right, I know. But Im sure He makes a lotta commandments, and youve gotta be able to do something. Please. As a favor to me. Please?
P: Hmm well it would violate general procedure, but I could check The Big List. You might
A: The Big List! Now thats what Im talkin about. The Big List. Go to The Big List, and Im sure we can work all this out.
P: Very well. I am able to log into The Big List from this terminal. Perhaps that will help solve the dilemma . Just a moment, please
A: Good, good. Man! I dont believe this. What a pain in the ass. A soul cant be expected to wait here all day . What time is it, anywayaw, Christ! If I were alive I could be watching the big game right now
P: Excuse me, Alexander? What was that?
A: Huh? Oh, ernothing. Nothing much. Im just talking to myself . Whats taking so long, anyway?
P: This terminal has a rather outdated modem. One would think that the good Lord would spring for a T3 connection, or at the very least a cable line, but . Yes, here we are. What did you say was the cause of death?
A: I didnt. It was an accident. Era car accident. Its too bad, too. That Jetta was my wifes car. We leased it. I hope insurance covers that . So?
P: Yes, car crashes are all too common these days. According to The Big List, youoh my!
A: Whawhat? Whats that mean?
P: According to The Big List, you are guilty of blasphemy, embezzlement, lying, owning a Billy Ray Cyrus record, slander, repeated drunkenness
A: Hey, that Cyrus record was a gift! Thats not my fault. And Im no liar and repeated drunkenness? Are you kidding me? What the hell kind of operation are you
P: We do not joke around here, Alexan
A: All right, I know. I get it. You already said that. Oh, brother .
A: What? No, I aint talkin to you. So what does all that mean?
P: Did you repent before your death, Alexander?
A: Did I repent? I didntwhatthere wasnt any time to repent! I crashed my car into a school bus, remember?
P: You crashed into a school bus? I see. So you are the one responsible for all the innocent young souls that have entered my gate during the last few hours
A: No, I . No. I mean, yes. Oh my God. Not on purpose. Cant you straighten this all out in The Great List, or whatever it is?
P: Alexander, give me a moment. According to The Bigwhat are you doing?
A: Hmm? Ernothing.
P: What was that you were doing, Alexander?
A: Nothing. So, you were saying that according to the list its okay for me to enter through these gates, right?
P: What are you holding? Let me see your hands.
P: Show me your hands, Alexander. Dont make me email Him. There, nowjust as I thought. I suppose that stainless steel flask you were drinking from contains Kool-Aid?
A: Uh, yes?
P: You are drunk right now, are you not? I thought so. This certainly makes things simple.
A: Look, I have anotheran old, erfriend inside, and I really need to tell him something, so if you would please
P: No, Alexander. Others are waiting behind you. You will have to plead your case down below.
A: But, look here, dont you see, Im noooaaAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhh
P: Thank God he is gone. Your name, please?