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November 10th, 2000, 9:16 AM

 of identity, plans, and wholes.

   

I think I'm finally feeling comfortable living at home, doing what I'm doing. I have not been consistently comfortable during the past 8 months. That isn't to say that I haven't enjoyed what I have been doing. The problem is that I too often question the value of my endeavors, particularly when they don't line up with my expectations or the expectations of friends.

More importantly, there has been a small clear voice chiming in the back of my head throughout the past eight months, suggesting that if I'm going to remain involved with personal publishing on the web, I had better turn it up a notch. I like to get attention. All through college, I fantasized about finding a structure that would drive me to keep creating things, writing, painting, music, photo, larger projects.. This became that. If I didn't have an audience for my photography and inner thoughts and simple observations, I wouldn't work so hard to improve or clarify them. How dandy. It's truly empowering to share, to be connected.

However, I'd like do do more than just spout a little something from time to time. 
It's a continuously expanding tapestry, to be sure, but I'd like my creations 
to add up to something larger. for several weeks, i'm going to be taking a

[break].

i remembered recently that at heart, i'm an actor before all else. 
most of my friends are surprised when I say that.
i haven't been proving it lately, because I haven't been
on stage in 5 years.

but really, all of these interests of mine, things I do, are
just roles to be played. understanding points of view,
the rules governing a thing. every interest appears
equally valuable to me because, when you come
down to it, I don't care whether I play myself
or someone else. nothing sacred about me.

<br>.

you know, I very rarely make decisions.
generally, I float naturally down one of
several paths, and later, looking
back, I discover the reason
that I had to follow that
route, the experience
gained, the new
knowledge.

brr.

1 year.