One small errand

posted 27 Aug 2003, 12PM | 10 Comments

Today I went to the bank to deposit three checks. "Wow," you're saying to yourself. "Three checks. You get paid, man." Well, you're half right. I am indeed a man, but that's about it. The only thing worse than depositing one small check at the bank is depositing three small checks. A small check is cool when you deposit it alongside a proper fatty Friday paycheck... as if to say, "Look, I get paid for working hard and my gramma loves me on my birthday. I am simply tops." But three small checks tell a different tale, something more along the lines of ,"Yes, hello, I am essentially a wanker with multiple sources of inadequate income".

Today I endorsed all three of my small pieces of paper using a pen I'd brought with me. The "pens" chained to the glass counter never seem have any ink. Funny looking people of different ages huddled in the immediate vicinity, grumbling about the pens. Too many people were already hovering in the velvet line, mopy. I grinned to myself, knowing that I wouldn't have to join them... all thanks to the power of my branch's Quick Drop Box, a remarkably lo-fi apparatus that accepts NO CASH PLEASE deposits through a hole in the top. This method of manipulating funds—scribbles on paper dropped into some old box in the corner—is an oddly satisfying anachronism, a devilish analogue stepping-stone back towards the days of banknotes, slide-rules and inked quills. Presumably, some after-hour bank automata will get to chomp on my checks like gold-doubloons, pouring their contents back toward the modern world.

In the one intensely curious moment before I slid the envelope into the metal bin, I surveyed all of those people, the clear bulletproof glass, and the individual teller stations. Then, for ten seconds, I thought about how much fun it could be to rob the Studio City branch of Washington Mutual Bank. If I was 8 inches shorter, I think I'd make a great professional theif. Then, as I walked out through the double glass doors towards the hot San Fernando Valley, I realized that I never steal from stores anymore.

There are 10 Comments

1

27 Aug 03 at 07:03AM East Coast Adam said:

Your chained pens at the bank comment reminded me of the most hilarious video I have ever seen. During my short tenure at Fleet Bank we were watching some of the new commercials Fleet was considering running for their new "Customer First Program". To make a long story short the video contained 1) a Cher impersonator who was male singing a rewritten for Fleet "Believe" with the line, "Do you believe in customer service" and 2) those aforementioned pens on a chain acting as a curtain.... very very hip. Incidentally I don't believe that commercial ever made it to TV.

2

28 Aug 03 at 05:40PM Manda said:

Good to have you back! I missed you!

3

31 Aug 03 at 07:08PM Adam said:

I second those good wishes!

However, I do think that depositing a baggie full of change is slightly more degrading.

4

9 Sep 03 at 11:06AM Martha said:

"Yes, hello, I am essentially a wanker with multiple sources of inadequate income"

Were I in the habit of stealing phrases from other people's blogs to use as a personal motto, this would be the number one contender. (As it is, I'm considering poverty is sexy.)

5

9 Sep 03 at 11:55AM ryan said:

mmm.... you're right. poverty IS sexy...

6

18 Sep 03 at 12:30PM Mickie Rat said:

If poverty is sexy, I am the sexiest mofo on earth right now!

7

17 Dec 05 at 02:29PM Cher Impersonator said:

To East Coast Adam - I hate to burst your female impersonator bubble, but the Cher impersonator in the Fleet video was not a man - it was me and I am genetically a woman, always have been and always will be. I was hired to film that video for Fleet in 2001. One questions to you - why did you think the Cher in the Fleet video was a man?

8

20 Dec 05 at 11:53AM East Coast Adam said:

It was your gi-normous adam's apple.

9

29 Dec 05 at 01:58PM Cher Impersonator said:

East Coast Adam:

I take it as a compliment you thought I was a female impersonator doing Cher. Some of the top Cher female impersonators today are far better than most of the women impersonating Cher. So thanks for thinking I was a man - it's a huge compliment.

10

29 Dec 05 at 02:24PM Cher Imersnator said:

East Coast Adam:

You know, there is really no need to be nasty. I am a woman who has been a Cher impersonator for approximately 16 years. I've performed in shows in Atlantic City and Las Vegas, and at hundreds of corporate events all over the country. Cher is a favorite among drag queens, so it is understandable you might have assumed I was a man; it is always something us women Cher impersonators must deal with. But I have learned in this business that when someone thinks I am a man, it is a compliment as an impersonator, because most of the top Cher female impersonators are pretty amazing - because they not only have to look like a woman, they have to look like Cher. You might want to check out my website sometime: www.cherimpersonator.com

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